How To Quit Being Punk
- Braedyn Foxx
- 22 hours ago
- 3 min read
By: Braedon Foxx
If you can’t seem to stop writing songs with a half political truth, or stop screaming Sonic Youth lyrics, or stop attending shows that directly threaten your safety, you need to check into a facility because you are hopelessly addicted to punk rock. If writing a political song that no one understands doesn't scare you away, then maybe getting kicked in the head by a 300 pound old head will do the job. No? Still here? Have you tried playing your first gig in a backyard to 5 people who don’t like your music? If you still can’t seem to quit working the scene, here's a couple options that'll be sure to help you quit punk rock for good.
Aesthetic De-evolution: You’re gonna want to start by getting rid of your punk appearance. I recommend slowly removing one patch per week from your denim vest. Next I want you to let your mohawk down, give it a nice respectable trim into what is known as the “business casual taper.” At this point your buddies should stop inviting you to shows and jams. You are on the right track already!
Get pregnant!: If you just got too much time on your hands that you keep going to shows, having a baby is a sure fire way to occupy your time. Everytime you try to sneak out to see Vitil or Madball, you're going to be delightfully interrupted by a toddler screaming because they can't see their nose. Be careful though, when those mosh withdrawals hit, people have been known to 2 step on their childs kidney.
Get arrested!: If worse comes to worse, youre gonna realise you need a real schedule and routine in your life to avoid music. The smartest thing you can do is lock yourself away from it for years on end. So go ahead, piss on that cop car, loot a best buy, drunkenly pick a fight with your city's mayor. Whatever you do make sure youre locked up for at least 3 years to really bleed the need for punk out of you. If you need more time, just start a prison fight! That's basically what a mosh pit is anyway.
Switch from DIY to HOA: You’ve been constantly screen printing shirts, customizing pants, and building small stages with crappy light fixtures for your friends band. Which is awesome! But it’s way too punk. From now on I want you to strictly use your creative skills to build treehouses and power wash your driveway. There you go, now you're acting like a fogey!
Try going full boomer: Go to the grocery store at 10:15 in the morning and complain that the music is “a bit aggressive this early in the morning” when they play a green day song. Not even a song off of Kerplunk or Dookie, I want you to complain when you hear “21 Guns” come on. You’re doing great, at this point you shouldn't even recognize yourself!
Eat like a conformist: Your 6th and final step towards recovery, is culinary gentrification. Replace the lukewarm, cheap beer with a craft coffee that costs more than a 7-inch vinyl. Start unironically using the word "brunch" and find yourself discussing the structural integrity of a benedict's hollandaise sauce on a Sunday morning instead of sleeping off a show. Lastly, trade your "hot sauce as a food group" mantra for a collection of dried herbs you organize alphabetically in a special cabinet.
If you made it this far, you are as good as retired my friend. You can finally start watching “Suits”, buy a subscription to Paramount Plus, listen to Bee Gees and tell your neighbors kids that drumming past 5:00 pm is disrespectful to the neighborhood. Damn that kid! Doesn’t he know real music like Coldplay and Madonna? On the bright side, you are no longer addicted to hardcore music, moshpits, or clothing that doubles as a portable air conditioner. You are offically clean!
By: Braidon Foxx
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