Your Band is Doomed: Hardcore Horoscope
- Braedyn Foxx
- Dec 17, 2025
- 3 min read
By: Brayden Foxx
Astrology is fake, punk is dead, and your band is definitely breaking up. This is what your zodiac sign says about you as an insufferable musician.
Aries: Singer who thinks yelling is charismatic
Aries doesn’t join bands—they annex them. Every song is faster than it needs to be, every lyric is about dominance, and every disagreement ends with “whatever, I’ll do it myself.” Aries will start a fight with the sound guy and call it punk ethics.
Kills bands with: ego, volume, total lack of follow through
Taurus: Bassist who refuses to play dingy venues
Taurus is punk until there’s no beer, bad monitors, and a $5 guarantee. Then they become a labor rights advocate. Owns the nicest bass, never lends it, and will absolutely leave mid-tour if the food situation dampens.
Kills bands with: Snobby tastes higher than your DIY band can afford
Gemini: Guitarist who “has ideas”
Gemini talks nonstop, writes half a song, then abandons it for a new concept involving strictly analog sound, a mid song skit, and a costume change. They Claim punk should “evolve,” but can’t commit to a chord progression for a full song.
Kills bands with: Overthinking and under-finishing
Cancer: Songwriter who takes everything personally
Cancer insists punk is about feeling, then quietly spirals when someone suggests cutting a verse. Writes devastating lyrics, then apologizes for bumming out the sesh. Will remember something shitty you said in 8 months ago and bring it up during sound check.
Kills bands with: Emotional Landmines and Passive aggresive silences
Leo: Frontman who discovered mirrors
Leo believes punk is about self-expression, but specifically their own. Requires stage lights, even in basements. Thanks the crowd like they’re accepting a Grammy. Will quit the band if another member gets attention.
Kills bands with: Spotlight hoarding and Instagram captions longer than Rush's 2112.
Virgo: Drummer who hates you but is ALWAYS right.
Virgo practices. Virgo counts. Virgo knows you’re dragging the tempo and is furious that you can’t hear it. They single-handedly keep the band listenable while fantasizing about replacing the whole lineup.
Kills bands with: Resenment labeled as "Standards".
Libra: Rhythm guitarist who wants vibes, not conflict.
Libra refuses to pick sides, scales, or tempos. Suggests compromise until the song no longer has definition. Will let the band rot rather than have an uncomfortable conversation. Somehow always looks cool.
Kills bands with: Indecision
Scorpio: Person who controls the passwords
Scorpio doesn’t say much, but their fingerprints are on everything. Form lyrics that are really are cryptic threats. They know everyone’s secrets. When the band implodes, Scorpio has already backed up the files and ruined anyone's chances of remaining in the scene.
Kills bands with: Emotional warfare
Sagittarius: “Touring is the point” guy
Sagittarius loves chaos, hates rehearsal, and thinks being on the road fixes everything. Always down to hit one more city, has zero interest in tightening the set. Will vanish mid tour and come back with stories instead of progress.
Kills bands with: A major lack of commitment disguised as freedom
Capricorn: Default manager who didn’t ask for this
Capricorn books all the shows, tracks the money, read the contract, and hates everyone for not caring more. Wants success, not memories. Slowly watching their punk band become a second unpaid job.
Kills bands with: Reality checks
Aquarius: “Punk isn’t supposed to sound like punk” guy
Aquarius thinks distortion is passé and wants to replace guitars with digital sound and political riddles. Insists their band members are trapped in outdated structures. Audience confusion is considered a win.
Kills bands with: Weird concepts louder than the music
Pisces: Ambient noise guitarist who forgot the chords
The overly anxious Pisces feels everything, including bad energy from your band, the crowd’s disinterest, and your tone. Will write beautiful parts, and forget them live. Frequently lost, emotionally and geographically.
Kills bands with: Reverb pedals and being fragile as hell
Who would have thought the demise of your band would be caused by your members birthdates. You might as well quit while your ahead because astrology is 100% real and always right!
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